I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
