It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
