dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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