dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
