I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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