first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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