Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
