I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
ugly people sure do ruin things
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
