Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
