Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
