when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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