Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
