You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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