nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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