there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
