I'm so fucking centered right now
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
