I faked an abortion last night.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
