judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
