I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
