3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
