Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
