there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
