I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
