so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
