dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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