Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
