Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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