you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
