just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
