this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
