Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
