I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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