I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
