She's JV to your varsity
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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