hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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