Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
