between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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