You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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