I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My life is pants optional.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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