Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
