i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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