he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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