Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
