Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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