porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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