checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
