We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
