i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize