textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
