he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
