You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
