Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
