ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
