Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
