Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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