The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
