why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We talked him into tasing himself.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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