god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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