Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize