i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
