I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Sorry my hands just texted you
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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