a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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