I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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