just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
