I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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